...advent...

December 10, 2014

Several years ago I bought this advent wreath in the hopes of using it as a way to draw closer to God during the holiday season. This was the first year I took it out of the box. I've got good intentions, but my follow through needs work.

I found some daily scriptures on Pinterest, and so Andy and I have been spending a bit of time together remembering why we celebrate Christmas. Some days we end up doing a few at a time, since we tend to forget as it's not a habit, but I'm glad we've started this new tradition, nonetheless.

Truthfully, my faith over the past few years has not been the fire that it once was. Struggling with all this personal turmoil, it has been difficult to know how to approach God. Most people run to God in their time of need, I tend to hide, wanting to work out all the issues and then present them to him neatly packaged. I know that's not how it works...

As I'm faced with this new chapter of being a mom, I'm terrified, and I've been driven to my knees more than once over the past few months. Prayers that this one will survive. Prayers that I can be a patient, loving, and selfless parent. Prayers that my baby will love God. Prayers that my child won't die.

I wonder if Mary had any of these thoughts as she carried her own child.

With each passing day, I feel less in control, and it's been causing me to turn to the only one I know who can provide a peace that passes understanding.

Which was probably his plan all along...

Where are you in your relationship with God today?

...loved by God...

The MOCRA (Museum of Contemporary Religious Art), voted St. Louis' best museum in 2013 by Riverfront Times readers, is the world's first interfaith museum of contemporary art. It engages religious and spiritual themes and is dedicated to the ongoing dialogue between contemporary artists and the world's faith traditions.

It's a small museum, and at first I found it underwhelming and considered leaving. But as I peered more closely, I found myself enthralled at the creative capacity of ordinary people.

There was this piece by Jordan Eagles, a New York based artist, who uses animal blood (obtained from slaughterhouses,) layered at different densities, and heated, burned, and aged to create a sort of stained glass window.

This photograph, by artist, DoDo Jin Ming, which is actually a field of sunflowers, printed in negative and toned, some of them with mesh over their flowery faces for research purposes, making them look like hooded figures and giving a normally cheery scene an ominous overtone.

The paper cutting technique, a Jewish tradition dating back to the 14^thcentury, featured in Archie Granot design make a two dimension medium come alive in three dimensions. I can't imagine the time, effort and patience put into this piece.

In the main hall, a set of wood carvings is displayed on a side wall. Big and bright and colorful, I wasn't impressed at first sight, and nearly walked away. But as I examined the face, I was astounded at how well it had been carved. The accompanying plaque beside the art told of the artist, Adrian Kellard, who died of AIDS related causes in 1991 and his art. It read, “he explored his coming to terms with being an Irish-Italian, Catholic gay man who was loved by God.”

...loved by God...

God and I are going through a rough patch.

It's not like the drag out screaming and yelling kind of fighting like you would see in The Apostle. It's more like we are an old married couple, who live under the same roof yet don't speak to one another. Or like the empty nesters who don't know how to communicate now that our children are gone. And though you may tell me that I'm wrong, I feel that God started this silence between us, and I don't know why. But that's another story for another day.

Please note that I do not feel that God stands over me and insists that I do this thing or that thing. I do not feel that he is angry or cross with me. I do feel like he's waiting for me. To do what, I don't know...but waiting...patiently...and also lovingly.

Perhaps this is one step in the evolution of any God journey. Perhaps these highs and lows, ebbing and flowing through our lives, are intended weave something more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. Maybe...I don't know. I'm really not sure of much right now, except for this:

I am loved by God...no, I am more than just loved...I am so loved.

...and so are you.

For more information about the MOCRA, click here.